In short: Losing something important isn’t just about ceasing to have it: sometimes it changes the way we see ourselves and the world. Grief has no set deadlines or mandatory stages. The grieving process is therapy It offers a space to understand what is happening to you, to live with difficult emotions, and to gradually recover a relationship with the present and the future.
There are losses that change our lives in a noticeable way. Someone we love dies, a relationship ends, we receive a diagnosis, we discover that we can no longer do the things that used to be part of our routine, or maybe we never form the family we envisioned.
Life goes on, apparently everything is back to normal, but you no longer recognize yourself completely. It’s hard to imagine the future as you used to imagine it before. Or you find yourself wondering, at some point during the day, how you got here.
Because losing something important doesn’t just mean ceasing to have it. Sometimes it also means losing a part of the life we had built around it.
We not only lose people; we also lose versions of ourselves.
When someone we love dies, we don't just lose their presence. We also lose the conversations we can no longer have, the moments we imagined sharing, and the possibility of continuing to build a story together.
When a relationship ends, we don't always miss only the person. We can also miss who we were with them, the plans we had made, and the life we thought we were going to have.
And when we get sick or our health changes, the hardest thing may not just be the pain, the limitations or the uncertainty. We may also have to say goodbye to a way of living, to our autonomy, to certain activities, or to the image we had of ourselves.
Sometimes we still remain the same person, but we can no longer live in the same way. And that requires an adaptation process that we don't always know how to handle.
You might be surprised to think: «I used to be able to handle everything,» «I never imagined my life would be like this,» or «I don’t really know who I am now.».
These are not small questions. They speak of something deeper than the absence of what you have lost. They speak of how that loss affects the way you understand yourself.
When a loss changes the way you see yourself
Our identity is built, in part, through our experiences, our relationships, our body, our projects, and the place we occupy in the world. Therefore, when something important disappears or changes irreversibly, our image of ourselves can also be shaken.
A person who loses their partner may wonder if they will ever be able to feel loved or trust someone again. Those who receive a diagnosis may begin to see themselves through their illness and stop recognizing themselves in other aspects of their life.
It can also change the way we see the world
There are losses that not only change our daily lives; they also change our expectations about what we can expect from life, from others, and from ourselves.
After an unexpected death, the world may seem less safe. After a painful breakup, it can be difficult to regain trust. When illness strikes, the future may no longer feel as predictable as before.
Sometimes we start to anticipate that something bad will happen again. We find it difficult to make plans, to enjoy what we have, or to feel at peace, as if lowering our guard makes us more vulnerable.
Other times the opposite happens: we try to continue as if nothing had changed. We keep busy, avoid talking about what happened, or demand that we get our previous life back as soon as possible.
Each person tries to cope with the pain using the resources they have available. Some need to talk; others need time and silence. Some seek explanations, while others prefer not to think too much about what happened.
No single reaction defines how a grief should be lived. However, when the effort to avoid the pain begins to limit our lives, or when we feel that we are still caught up in what happened, it can be important to pause and understand what is happening to us.
The challenge is not to meet deadlines or reach a point where nothing affects us anymore. It also doesn’t mean that we have to forget, find a positive side to what happened, or turn the loss into an opportunity for growth.
Sometimes, moving forward starts with letting go of the struggle to accept that something hurts us. By recognizing that our lives have changed, that we may not have chosen that change, and that we need time and help to understand how we want to live from now on.
How can therapy help you get through a loss?
In therapy, we can't undo what has happened. Nor do we need to convince you to accept it before you are ready.
Work often begins by offering you a space where you can talk about what you have lost and how it is affecting you, without having to protect anyone, justify your emotions, or pretend that you are better off than you are. From there, we can start exploring different aspects of grief.
Understanding what is happening to you
Putting words to sadness, anger, guilt, fear, or a sense of emptiness can help you understand your reactions and stop interpreting them as a sign that you are failing.
Recognizing how your image of yourself has changed
We can explore whether the loss has affected your self-esteem, your sense of security, your identity, or your confidence in your ability to cope with life. It is not a matter of denying what has changed, but of preventing a painful experience from ending up defining everything you are.
Exploring the beliefs that have emerged after the loss
Perhaps now it is difficult for you to trust, you feel that you cannot face uncertainty or you have stopped imagining a future that is worth living. In therapy we can understand how these ideas have formed and work to enable you to relate to them in a less limiting way.
Learning to live with difficult emotions
We don't always need to eliminate an emotion in order to continue with our lives. We can learn to recognize it, regulate its intensity, and find ways to take care of ourselves when it arises, without constantly avoiding everything that reminds us of what happened.
Reclaiming a relationship with the present and the future
Little by little, we can explore what still holds value for you, what you need now, and what steps are possible in your current circumstances. Not to replace what was lost or to rush to move on, but so that your life can have space again for other experiences.
Depending on your history and your needs, the work may include different therapeutic tools. In some cases, when there are particularly disturbing memories or traumatic experiences associated with the loss, it may be indicated to work with EMDR. Always assessing your situation, your resources, and the moment of the process in which you find yourself beforehand.
Not all duels need the same approach. Sometimes we need to work through the absence; other times, we need to work through guilt, fear, or difficult memories; and sometimes, we need to learn to live with a reality that we cannot change.
If you are going through a loss and feel you need help to understand how it is affecting you, we can help. working together so that you can find resources, regain confidence in yourself, and find a different way to relate to your story, to yourself, and to what is still part of your life.
Frequently asked questions about grief
How long does the duel last?
There is no deadline. The duel does not consist of meeting certain time limits or reaching a point where nothing can affect you anymore. Each person goes through it with the resources they have and at their own pace. What matters is not how long it takes, but whether the pain allows you to continue living or is limiting you.
Do you have to go through certain stages of the grieving process?
There is a lot of talk about phases (denial, anger, negotiation, sadness, acceptance), but they are not a ladder that has to be climbed in order. They are reactions that can appear, mix together, or not appear at all. Not going through one of them does not mean that you are doing the grieving process wrong.
Is it normal not to recognize me after a loss?
Yes. Our identity is built with our relationships, our body, our projects, and the place we occupy. When something important disappears, our self-image can also be shaken. It is part of the process that can be worked on in therapy.
When is it advisable to seek help for a bereavement?
When the effort to avoid pain begins to limit your life, when you feel like you’re still stuck in what happened, or when it’s hard for you to imagine a future, it doesn’t have to be «complicated» to ask for space to talk about what you’ve lost.
Is EMDR therapy used in grief?
In some cases, yes, when there are particularly disturbing memories or traumatic experiences associated with the loss (an unexpected death, a diagnosis, an accident). Always after assessing your situation, your resources, and the moment of the process you are in.
If at any time you feel you can’t take it anymore or have thoughts of harming yourself, call the 024 (suicide behavior hotline, free and 24-hour service) or go to the emergency room.
Sonia López Cano, health psychologist Member M-25306 at the Official College of Psychology of Madrid and as an EMDR therapist. I treat online therapy by video call, in Spanish and English.
